Today is my annual pity party.
I do not have any creativity to share today. Most of the day is spent crying about what I have lost, and to be honest, I don't even know exactly how much I have lost. Sometimes people (meaning to be helpful - I think) remind me that because I have lived this way most of my life that I should be thankful that I don't know any other way, and to them - a punch in the face. From time to time something comes along that reminds me of my loss, but for the most part I don't even know what I don't get, or have when it comes to life. At age 35 for the first time I had an endocrinologist ask me what it had been like all these years, and the only thing I could think of is the guilt I live with for bringing shame to my parents by getting Juvenile Diabetes, and so I cry inside, silently.
Today has been especially hard as it was the annual Edmonton Juvenile Diabetes Walk for the Cure. As I walk by all the signs with faces of children who tell what a cure would mean to them, I think about my own life, and cannot answer that question, because again, I really don't know what I have lost, had to endure that others don't, and even if there were to be a cure, if I would ever get over what I have lived. Would there be such a thing as Post Juvenile Diabetes Traumatic Syndrome? What would I do????
Now, I don't cry every day about this, and there are things that I have to thankful for:
Now think about the fact that most people are thankful for their family and friends first and then "stuff" after, but in my case I would not have a family or friends if it were not for the "stuff" (something else I have lost).
And so lastly, on a slightly happier note, (anyone who know me will laugh), another great invention and something that no one can ever make me feel guilty about......
Tomorrow, my creativity will return and for the next 364 days I will smile, laugh, love, create and do everything I want to because to me everyday is to Live Like You Were Dying.